More Stupid Things

Originally, I wanted to dress up today. ;_; But then found out that this morning, we were supposed to have a family meeting.  I am still not quite confident enough to wear alice otona around my family (aside from my Mom), so plain jeans it was.

We were on our way there when I got a call saying it was off, and for very good reasons that I am not going to describe here. So back home we go. I figured that I would see family members later in the day, so remained in jeans to run errands.

Later, we got news that a family member would now be staying with us for an indeterminate amount of time, so I scrambled to move all of my possessions back to my own bedroom. It was nice being spread out with the attic room for storage, but it is no more. u__u

Going to go see friends tomorrow (hopefully) so probably no opportunity to dress up either. I do not feel like being brave in that aspect right now.


Stupid Things

My boss saw me last weekend when I was dressed up. So the other day, he commented that I looked extra fancy and asked if that is how I always am outside of lab.

(。ノω\。)゚ hah sure I wish.

Then today I panicked about being around other people so I came home early and tried to bake cream horns. They turned out okay, but I ran out of whip cream so I had to fill the rest with cream cheese.  I want to buy some proper cream corn molds and then I will try the other cream filling recipe I know. That one always makes a TON of filling. But this worked pretty well.

And now my family is exploding because of stupid life decisions. So once more, I am pondering moving all of my belongings into my original bedroom to make room for other people or not. ¬_¬ I really prefer to be spread out the way I am now, but the weather is starting to cool off (in August!?)(GLOBAL WARMING) so I will probably end up moving back into the other room soon anyway. Before moving the heck out.

Life worth Living

This might get kind of deep and is not the regularly scheduled cute fluff.

A family member accused me of having the same existential crisis that they are having, and I said that was wrong. What the heck is an existential crisis anyway? Apparently, a moment where you question if your life is worth living and if anything you do in life really matters.

According to Zapffe (and Wikipedia!), humans have 4 ways of dealing with this;

  • anchoring (being attached to the first bit of information offered, an idea they can use to focus their attention consistently, like society, God, etc.)
  • isolation (“fully arbitrary dismissal from consciousness of all disturbing and destructive thought and feeling” according to Wikipedia)
  • distraction (focus on an action or something else so you don’t think about it)
  • sublimation (re-focus the worry onto positive things, like creating art or other useful endeavors)

In this case, if I am having an existential crisis, then I think I am handling it quite well.  But sometimes it does sneak into my brain, does any of this really matter?

In the big picture of the universe and existence and all that, no, it doesn’t matter. I am a blip on the radar of the universe. But that does not mean I should not enjoy my small existence, or that I should not use my life, however insignificant, to do something good.

I want to have a good life! I want to eat tasty things and visit neat places and have a cozy and safe place to live and be around the people I love and who make me happy. I want to buy cute things and wear pretty clothes.  I want to provide a good life to the cats I take care of, and maybe even have a family someday, and provide them with a good, happy life too.

I want to help further human knowledge about science, and even if I graduate this year and end up in a soul sucking job as a medical writer, then at least the past 6 years of my life doing research were not a waste. And even a job as a medical writer (note: I am not seriously considering this as a career, but it is something I know is available, but I don’t really want to do it. At least not at this moment in my life) would not be fruitless either, because it would involve translating data and results into a form that other people can more easily understand. That isn’t really something fun, but I think it would be helpful and the idea of furthering human knowledge makes me happy.

Even when things look gloomy, and my family is being awful, and it feels like I will never graduate and I worry that everyone is disappointed in me for being unpublished while the new kids already are published and I worry I can’t find a job because I am still unpublished and I just want to cry…I have to remind myself that it will be okay. Not everyone’s life is going to have a huge impact, and I am probably always going to be a “nobody” whose existence will not matter very much in the grand scheme of things.

But surely I matter to my friends and loved ones, and maybe even my co-workers.  Pretty sure I matter to my cat, who kept bugging me this morning to feed her. I like to think that when I interact with strangers and am generally polite and considerate, I am able to make their day a little bit better (or at least not make it any worse).

Anyway, time is limited for everyone, and that scares me sometimes because I will be 30 in a few years. That seems so old and I feel like I haven’t done enough with my life yet.  I mean, graduate school is kind of a big deal, but I though I would have traveled more by now.  I was reading something yesterday about planning trips to Japan (ah yes the weaboo inside breaks free!) and budgeting for it. I want to do that! I’ve wanted to go visit Japan at LEAST for a decade! But I kept making excuses. I can’t afford it cause I would want a few grand so I could do some hard core shopping, I am scared to go alone, I don’t speak/read the language, I can’t take time off work/school/lab etc etc etc.  Ah this kind of got off topic, but the point is, life doesn’t matter so may as well do something fun.

(Of course, the doing something fun has caveats. Murder sprees are not okay and if you think that is fun, please see a therapist. Drinking yourself to death may seem fun to you but it is not fun for your loved ones so please don’t. Please take care of your health so you can get the most fun out of life.)

Do something that makes you happy, but don’t hurt other people in the process. I think to me, that is the meaning of life.

I am not precisely sure which of the 4 coping mechanisms I fall under, or perhaps if I fall under all 4.  But I do think I am dealing with this existential crisis better than my family member, and we are most definitely 100% NOT the same.

And damnit, I am going to go on a shopping trip to Japan one of these days. At least once in my life.


Sunday Rambling

Today, the weather was gorgeous. A perfect day for a cherry blossom festival, which I did not actually attend. I went to the local March for Science yesterday, and then my brother come over for an impromptu cook-out, so I felt like I already had spent way too much time outside. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it seems like every time I am outside for long periods of time (over an hour), I then get headaches that last for the rest of the day. Maybe I am chronically dehydrated. Maybe I have a vampire as an ancestor. Maybe I am just weak. Either way, the original plan today was to do some cleaning and then go to the library to work on my dissertation.

I wanted to dress in lolita clothes, but just could not find the drive to actually do it. So I wore super normal clothes.

Actually felt like this was a pretty well put together outfit.  Today was going to be a good day!

But then my brother came over and we discussed moving things around in the attic room where he will have his bed and stuff while he ‘lives’ here. He claims he will mostly stay at his girlfriend’s place, however I would prefer to have minimal items in “his” room. Somehow, this angered the alcoholic hidden within my mother, so I got to deal with her being extra drunk all day. I got her to take a nap so I had peace and quiet to clean, but I did not feel comfortable leaving the house.  This was smart, because when she woke up from her nap (still drunk), she decided to turn the stove on for some reason that she could not exactly articulate to me. I got her to drink a meal replacement shake and go back to bed.

Moved some stuff around my bedroom. I have this TV stand which I actually use to hang my parasols on, but my brother doesn’t want it around. I had to move it into my bedroom. I was hoping I could position it so that I could hang up some dresses on it as well, but no dice. I feel like my bedroom is very small, but perhaps that is because I am trying to cram a house’s worth of stuff into one room, and I also like rooms that feel minimalist and have open spaces. I have too much clutter.

I think my next step is to actually go acquire some more of the plastic tubs to store things in. If I have to live in a crowded room, I may as well have things stored away so they do not get dusty.

Merry Christmas….?!

Tonight was my family’s annual Christmas Eve party! It isn’t Christmas Eve until Saturday, but one brother works Saturday, so we did it today. And it was easier since everyone has spouse-Christmases to go to this weekend.


Since Mom isn’t so healthy these days, I was in charge of coordinating the dinner and making most of the food. I made cream puffs (actually, my boyfriend’s Mom’s recipe), fried chicken (Mom’s recipe, which I made yesterday and then ate cold today), and meatballs (Grandpa’s recipe, which Mom has made yearly til now). We also had cold cuts and crackers, pickled relishes and pigs-in-a-blanket. Originally, both brothers were going to bring deviled eggs, but they both failed and so there were no deviled eggs at all.

It was the first time we had a family get together with everyone’s significant others too! My boyfriend, Mom’s boyfriend, the sister-in-law and the other brother’s fiancee were all able to make it. I hope we didn’t scare them too much. 🙂

For Christmas, I got some gift cards, two electric blankets (they were both requested), a vegetable brush (it was requested), a silk scarf and a leather journal. Pretty simple but I’m happy. I’d ask for more hobby related things, but I don’t want to bother my family with trying to look up the correct anime thing, or the correct lolita thing. :p Just give me normal things instead so I can spend my money on my hobbies myself.

It got worse

Another stressful day.

With the DNA I got from PCR yesterday, I cleaned it up with a method described in the Gateway cloning manual. This was supposed to get rid of all DNA smaller than 300bp. Instead, it got rid of ALL the DNA. Maybe when I removed the supernatant, I also got rid of the DNA? But there was a pellet and I tried to not disturb it and probably left some reagent in the tube…gyah. So the 2 DNA gels I ran had many lanes that appeared completely empty.

AND the safety people came in to yell at me about waste containers. I was the only person around which is why.

AND THEN my boss yelled at me because I accidentally turned the rotator off yesterday.

But wait, there is more! One of my precious friends is having a hard time and wants to meet up tomorrow. Clearly, this is an emergency. However, tomorrow was already going to be hell because I have to take Mom to 2 doctor appointments, go to lab meeting, go have lunch with the seminar speaker, and then go to seminar. To hell with seminar, my friend is more important! If the professor in charge comments on my absense, I’ll say there was a family emergency. u_u

And now, since my phone seems to be perpetually out of space, I wiped it and am now redownloading all my apps. Just another little thing to be stressed about.